Peter Kay One Liners

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PETER KAY ONE LINERS

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

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submitted: 1+ years ago

viewed: 307,778 times

categories: insults men, women, relationships word fun (puns, riddles)

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User Comments Add Comment

showing 1 - 40 of 40 discussions       sort by: newest

0 thumb down thumb up
by Vera (. 1+ years ago

A male ballerina is a balleron ;)

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by Kevin B. 1+ years ago

At least two of these jokes are not Peter Kay originals. The guy is hilarious, but associating him with other people`s gags does him no favours. The breakfast any time gag is from Steven Wright and the mother-in-law being beaten up gag is a Les Dawson classic. There are several others, much older than the man himself.

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by Ben R. 1+ years ago

sorry to be a genius, but theres not a light in the fridge because lights are 96% heat, the rest is light.

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by Jonnathon T. 1+ years ago

I did not find any of these funny at all! I have yet to laugh at anything Peter Kay does! Why is he considered such a great comedian? I have seen funnier people in a psychological ward of a hospital! The questions "brought to you by Peter Kay" have ALL been published on the internet for many years! And the real asnwer to the tests one is "TESTING", absolutly NOT funny at all if you have the least bit of intelligence!!

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by cathy c. 1+ years ago
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by cathy c. 1+ years ago
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by cathy c. 1+ years ago
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by Symphony A. 1+ years ago

Just to let it be known, it is possible to put on mascara wth your mouth closed, I have done it.

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by tony w. 1+ years ago

lol yup i totally agree, nick go die asshole!

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by nurul a. 1+ years ago

i close my mouth when wearing mascara..... mayb some woman, ok? not all....

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by short j. 1+ years ago

its crispy.very melodious jokes. http://shortjokes4u.blogspot.com

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by Manny R. 1+ years ago

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? testicals!

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by Piper S. 1+ years ago

I don't open my mouth to put on mascara...

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by Michael G. 1+ years ago

Peter Kay sucks!! So does Ricky Gervais! What is about Americans that they find these idiots amusing? Please let me know so I can laugh at you!

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by mahuya n. 1+ years ago

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by Jojo R. 1+ years ago

10/10!! this is the funniest thing i've read all day!

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by Genny J. 1+ years ago

lol cant get my wife to go swimming! lollollollollol

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by Nostalgic K. 1+ years ago

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.<--so tru so true !!!

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by Cassandra B. 1+ years ago

wow dana xD

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by maria d. 1+ years ago

WIN FREE TALK TIME ON YOUR MOBILE IN EVERY 10 MINUTES SO WHY YOU ARE WAITING JUST GO FOR IT… http://www.winwithsearch.com/landingpage.aspx?um=02

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by Mr. Smith S. 1+ years ago

Why women can't put mascara on with their mouths closed must be the most posted thing on the hole site. seriously it's in every third joke i read

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by dana f. 1+ years ago

yeah thats because u think about it but if u dont think about it then yeah..

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by alexis p. 1+ years ago

"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?" My firsth thought, 'Testicals?' XD im so smart

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by Amy M. 1+ years ago

The universal truths are SO true.

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by hansika s. 1+ years ago

Bucky breathes cricket at www.lucky-bucky.com. Log on and know more about the Indian team clinching the test series against Australia since Bucky knows it all

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by hansika s. 1+ years ago

JUST CHECK IT OUT THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST PRESS THE LINK AND ENJOY IT www.lucky-bucky.com

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by dixie h. 1+ years ago

If a turtle loses his shell...is he naked or homeless? Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. Why do u never see this headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery?" How do blind people know when they are done wiping? How do they get deer to cross the road at those yellow signs? Santa's so Jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live! If I wear a sheet for halloween, am I going as a ghost or a mattress? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 mins...in my next life, I want to be a pig.

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by TONI C. 1+ years ago

a lot of those things i wonder too!!

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by Sara H. 1+ years ago

I Don't Open My Mouth To Put Mascara On That's Retarded

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by mikayla j. 1+ years ago

haha lmao so true!!!

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by p P. 1+ years ago

funny!! and true well most of em

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by Zach B. 1+ years ago

I'm pretty sure tests are testical

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by Ryan L. 1+ years ago

Funny

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by Katie N. 1+ years ago

hahahah nice!! luvd tha 2nd to last. but theres a prob. i can do mi make up wit mi mouth shut so hah

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by trishna r. 1+ years ago

DON’T MISS OUT THIS ONE!!!!!!!! CLICK HERE AND ENJOY IT http://www.subhehogayimamu.com/?um=78

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by kuy l. 1+ years ago

HAHAHAHA!! LMFA!!! 2nd last one is great!!

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by ann c. 1+ years ago

longest joke ever but lol

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by shante m. 1+ years ago

that was good. it made me think.

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by Amanda T. 1+ years ago

That was soooo great. LOL!!!

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by Ellie p. 1+ years ago

You are a true GENIUS!!!

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CIHDU_Peter Kay One Liners

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