let me start out with "hi."
(musically) Hi. My name is liz and I'm gonna be your comedian tonight.
thanks. Have you ever gotten chinese food with a fortune cookie? of course you have. When you're all full, you bust the cookie open and get your fortune and the lucky lotto numbers. have you actually stopped to think who writes the fortunes? I got one that said ," YOU LIKE FRESH AIR AND SUNSHINE". So then i open another one hoping to get something like."YOU WILL FIND 500 BUCKS ON YOUR WAY OUT OF THE RESTARAUNT", or maybe even something funny like,"YOU GIVE ME EGG ROLL, ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME", or something, but no. I get one that says,"I NEED FRESH AIR AND SUNSHINE". what? do they have asains under capture in the restaraunts? (fake asain accent) "Herro, wourd you rike some lice? Ha foored you! you tlapped now. you write me one mirrion foltune cookies notes fol hungly paying customels. you sraves!"
So they're sending for help, by fortune cookies? jeez, I thought they were just food.
I wanna tell you guys what happened the other day at waubonsee. Uh, I am going to Waubonsee because it's cheap. And I see everybody there and they look GREAT. combed hair...ties...shoes. (laughter) and there I am, looking like a peice of mud in a Jewelry store. So the next day, I get all nice and clean and wonderful, except for my jeans. They were still clean, but that "you know it's dirty but it doesn't stink if you spray body mist on it" clean. What I didn't know was that when they were ACTUALLY clean and I took them off, I left my dirty underwear in them, so now I don't notice, but I have 2 pairs of underwear in 1 pair of jeans and one pair isn't on. I'm walking down the hall when i feel something on my leg. i don't SEE anyhting, so I start to freak out. I run to my next class and during the middle of the lecture, There's people laughing behind me, I turn around and they're trying very hard to stifle their laughter. I decide to look down for some moronic reason, and sure enough... my dirty underwear is sticking out of my pants leg. I grab it up and slam it in my binder, and the rest of the day, I walk around with a great, big LUMP in my binder and my friend Alicia Suavez won't SHUT UP about it. Any moment,like after school near the police office, she'd pipe up and say,"Lizzie! what's the lump? is it a rubber-bandball?" of course, the guessing game! so I reply "no." "is it a jar of something?" "no." "I bet it's a tennis ball or a head-band" "NO." " *gasp!*oh, god, it's drugs isn't it? " "NO!" then she screams "LIZ! YOU HAVE DRUGS IN YOUR BINDER?!?!?!" The police guy inside walks away from the window with handcuffs and he's coming down the street, Alicia won't shut her friggin' mouth, I blow a fuse and scream "OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, IT'S DIRTY UNDERWEAR! SEE?! THAT'S THE LUMP!" And meanwhile, the cop is laughing his guts out, Alicia is just staring at my underwear in my hand, above my head, speechless, and about 50-something people are staring at me and the other zillion people are laughing.
(lots of laughter and applause)
if any of you folks out in the audience are insomniacs, raise your hand. wow, i thought it was only me. I hate how in the middle of a good, midnight infomercial, they just play the emergency alert system. Maybe you actually LIKE hearing about all the things you can add stuff to with a bedazzler, or how much weight someone lost with john basedow's thing, or how a tempur-pedic bed can withstand a truck rolling over it, said over and over and over in the same infomercial. Maybe if you play the emergency alert system backwards, on a piano, it's morse code for something, like,"buy the album 'Thriller'" or "my name is paul" or "the guy that wrote the emergency alert tone is a hobo." (laughter)
anyone have an I-pod? It olds 1000 or more songs, but what if you like all the songs ever made? then you'd need, like, 5 i-pods. And the i-pod shuffles, those are just strange. A music-playing clip? come on, we have the technology to make a TOOTHBRUSH play 2 minutes of music, a clip play 500 songs, a phone with internet, a phone in our ear, and an oven smaller than a basketball that makes cakes with a light bulb, but we can't make the 5 things we need. 1. the cure for cancer 2. medicine that doesn't taste like crap 3. a toilet that never backs up 4. an automatic pencil that writes what you speak outloud 5. something that makes your friend shut up when they see a lump in your binder that smells like butt.
Anybody see this new movie,"die hard"? neither have I.
I saw the commercials for beowulf the other day. It's a 3-d I-max movie. The last time I saw an I-max movie, it was about mars and they sucked all the oxygen out of the room and moved the chairs forward and in a bouncy motion. 3-d movies are really gool, and I-max movies are REALLY cool, so a 3-d imax movies means you ARE the movie. So if you see "spiderman" in 3-d in an I-max movie, then you ARE spiderman. you ARE on the side of a building in new york, trying to kill the green goblin.
my last joke here... I have the strangest dreams, I have dreamt about driving off an ice cream cone, eating a porch, and dating jerry springer. but one night I had a VERY bad dream. I'm playing with my cousins in my yard, and I can't move, and neither can them. behind us, a foot-ball team is running towards us and they have no feet, I punch one in the face and they all die, but my cousins now get up and start stomping them into the dust, but they fall on the floor and turn into dust like Maestro, and I can't do anything about all the tons of dust on my yard except leave it there and I'm spending eternity frozen and then Alicia shows up and says," I found your binder, what's the lump?"
you've all been a great audience, see y'all later!
Near the end it says,"...and turn into dust like Maestro.." that's referring to the movie "Ghosts" by Michael Jackson. If you don't get it, the video is on youtube.