1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. A: The response that will get you out of trouble is: "No, you're not fat but you've got great tits and a nice ass."
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. A: One could use the 3-1 argument here. What way is the toiletr lid when a woman uses it either time she has to? Down and down. When a man uses it? Down and up. Three downs, one up, ding ding we have a winner!
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. A: You like us having shit at the ends of our hair when it hits butt crack? How about when in bed? You wants us punching you in the stomach for lying on our hair?
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again! A: Not asking for the perfect present. Just one that isn't in the check out line at the gas station/convenience store/pawn shop.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. A: These questions are fairly simple. If you know the answer we want to here and it has a ring of truth to it say it. If not tell us the truth. We're big girls we can handle it.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. A: That's fine and dandy. I'm thinking about those Bod commercials on TV. Difference is I'm thinking about them for 10 minutes. Not 10 days.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. A: Thats fine. But could we add IQ to the mix? Say, politics or books? Hell. How about a good movie? Mr & Mrs Smith was good. Explosions and Romance. Works for me.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. A: Cats are clean, they barely require any attention, and all they ask fore is a clean litterbox, something to sharpen their claws on, and clean food and water. A Dog however slobbers, pees, craps, chews, drools, tears up, and (if male) humps anything it comes into contact with. That aside, I like dogs. You tolerate the cats hairballs, we'll tolerate the drooling deal?
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. A: See above
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. A: The moon and the tides still go but if we unplugged the set or hide the remote bye bye sports. If you're having a fight and you turn on the TV you need to rethink why you're together because if sports is more important than the threat of losing her you don't love her and you shouldn't be with her.
11. Shopping is not sport. A: Au contraire! First we have the racing. In a vehicle: Race to the mall to beat other shoppers, race into parking place for the bimbo with the fake tits gets it. The *blank* meter dash to the store. Boxing and manuevering your way to the front. If you're with a friend she blocks while you run. Sometimes a baseball bat is handy in getting other women to move. Wrestling another woman for the shirt that YOU saw first. If you're with a friend throwing this item like a pass and hoping nobody blocks it. Afterword you're worn out, you feel like you got hit by a train, but you had fun! Now if thats not a sport what is.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. A: Not quite. Say we're going to dinner with you're boss. Do you want me to dress nicely or would you like me to throw on some sweats and a ratty t-shirt? Which makes a better impression? Hell just going out. Do you want guys looking at us and saying "Damn that sonofabitch is lucky" or "Dear god why is that guy dating the female equivilent of billy bob thronton"??
13. You have enough clothes. A: Different clothes for different occasions. Live with it. It ain't gonna change and the more you fight it the more we buy.
14. You have too many shoes. A: This I agree with. A pair of boots, sneakers, tennis shoes, sandals, flip flops, heels, stilletoes, stilletoe boots, ankle boots, pumps, flats, ballet flats, wedges, snow boots, and that one pair that is total frivolous but you just HAD to buy them. Am I right girls?
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. A: We don't expect you to like it. If you liked it it wouldn't work.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too. A: Our brothers are over-protective, our ex-boyfriends are idiots (hell they gave up us) and our fathers are our territory. You go off on daddy we go off on yo momma.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. A: Most of the time these are not subtle. We're trying to help you score points with us genius. If you 'think' of it without us having to ask, well thats a few points right there that you can use later to get laid.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. A: Not asking for you to remember every little anniversary. Before marriage the first date will suffice along with our birthday. After marriage birthday and wedding day. You have a cell phone that has a calender and a little thing that goes beep when you need to remember something put it in there a week before, by the gift then, then set another one for the day of. Again, points.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. A: Fine, go ahead and miss BUT CLEAN IT UP YOU SLOB
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? A: Helpful hints= have her pick her top three and pick which one matches the color. Tell her she looks good in anything. Tell her she's gorgeous. All these will get you out of the house faster and to your destination quicker than "I don't care/know can we just go now?"
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. A: In some cases yes. In other cases add a little detail. It shows you care.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. A: It's not a head ache. It's our hairs turning gray because of all the stupid things you do. Act like an adult and the head ache will go away.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend. A: No and if she were we'd be worried. You be nice to her and after time she will return the favor. If not let us talk and you just compliment her.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. A: Ok, Bruce Lee films and early Jackie Chan are foreign films. You don't watch ours we won't watch yours. We sit through all kinds of stupid shit that we hate and all we ask is you return the favor. DEAL WITH IT.
25. Check your oil. A: That's what Jiffy Lube is for. Or you. Depends on how vindictive we're feeling.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. A: Most men have an understanding for women that equals a dogs understanding of quantum physics, therefore we SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. A: Ask what we want and we won't have to.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. A: That one I will agree with. Ladies, he's going to fail miserably. Pick you're battles.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. A: You have a bad memory. We don't. You're problem.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. A: Act like the whiney assholes on their and I don't know about the rest of the girls but I will slap the taste out of your mouth. Just a little consideration, sensitivity, and thoughtfullness will suffice.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. A: You're learning.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? A: Ogle all you want. Don't let us catch you and don't tell us how much of a better rack she has.
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. A: Don't act like a horndog and we won't take satisfaction from watching the genie suffer.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. A: Do it our way because if it's ours thats the way it needs to be done anyway. And actually listen.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. A: If she's less important to you than you're little game then you should just turn gay now.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. A: He also wound up thousand of miles from where he was headed. Theres no more places to discover now so pull the f*** over and ask for directions you pu$$y.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. A: Stare, fine, refuse to meet eye contact? Grow a brain outside you're dick einstein.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. A; Never say I need a vacation from you to women unless you want to find all your stuff on the lawn, you're car sold for $10, and a lawyer in your living room when you get back.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines. A: They are airbrushed. I used to work as an intern under one of those magazines. The tits are not that big, the ass is not that round and she showed up looking like the creature from the black lagoon before wardrobe and make-up got a hold of her. Live with it.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. A: No, but at least try to act like you're not the dick we know now ok?
41. Anyone can buy condoms. A: Not if her dad is the pharmacist.
If you don't like it too bad. I'm simply stating a fact