As many who observe the elderly may have noticed, there is a continuing trend for the old and decrepid to obtain what are known as mobility devices, or more commonly, the "walker". Beyond my general observation that this is some sort of "fuck you" to god for taking away their homosapianism, and the fact that this seems the most opportune time for them to scoot around more comfortably in say...I don't know...a scooter, there is an even more interesting occurance running rampant. That is, the reemergence of the once-thought-dead tennis ball! Yes, unbeknownst to such high profile furry little green ball makers Rawlings, Penn and Wilson, their meticulously crafted products have become the next-best-thing to motorized carts!

Upon purchasing their new walker, the eld are apparently not informed that this new device is, in fact, incomplete, giving all-new meaning to the term "second-first-step". Upon exit from wherever it is that they go to buy these objects that don't seem to exist in any store I have EVER been in, they immediately realize that without the strength to lift this new heavy burden and lunge it forward, they aren't going ANYWHERE!!! You see, this is because the genius folk over at the "walker" company have decided to place Zero Traction Suction Cups on the hind two legs of these miracles of modern....something. But alas...I have two words for the frustrated, exceptionally mature and weatherworn humans of the world...Tennis Ball.

Who started this trend...and how have the "walker" people not caught on??? And what are Wilson, Penn and Rawlings doing focusing on a waste of time like Tennis, when in fact they could be keeping the immobile elite upright and moving at a steady 1/1000 mile per hour? So here's to the ingenius old man [obviously ; )] who was tired of falling forward out the front door when his suction cups caught concrete, and grabbed those two tennis balls, punctured holes in them, placed them over the Zero Traction Suction Cups, and proceded to scoot about freely, rebelling once more against what God intended!

I intend, in the near future, to track down these "Walker Stores" and open a "Walker Balls" stand at the entrance...er...exit. Here, I shall take my post and avow to catch, with my bare hands, the falling elderly as they try to take their first exciting step with their new walker. As they rise with my assistance, I shall, without speaking but maintaining eye contact and a VERY serious look, attach my balls to their walkers and ask them to scoot around. As they begin to smile back at me in glee, I will then expose them to all of my balls, and they can have their own preferred style, for a measly $25.00 a pair (a refill pack will be sold separatly).

p.s. I am currently on my way to the U.S. Patent Office...so don't even try it!!!