Always Maxi-pad User

mark as unread

This is a copy of a letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble with reference to their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph…

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your “Always” maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t.

Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo”. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour.

You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants…

Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong”, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that’s a promise I will keep.


Best, Wendi Aarons Austin, TX


How funny is this joke, video, picture?


smiley 8.6 PG13

submitted: 1+ years ago

viewed: 13,157 times

categories: health





Save to List


Personal Lists

Create New Personal List

List Name:

Allow Others to View/Subscribe:

save cancel


Community Lists

Create New Community List

List Name:

save cancel



User Comments Add Comment

showing 1 - 5 of 5 discussions       sort by: newest

[below viewing threshold, show comment] -2 thumb down thumb up
by gabe g. 1+ years ago

If I need self-indulgent whining, I'll listen to the bums living behind my apartment. Starvation makes cramps seem petty.

Reply to gabe g.'s comment
[below viewing threshold, show comment] -1 thumb down thumb up
by C B. 1+ years ago

See, I'm not the only psycho during T.O.M. (time of month).

Reply to C B.'s comment
+3 thumb down thumb up
by Elizabeth W. 1+ years ago

I wish somebody actually would put '“Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'” on a maxi pad

Reply to Elizabeth W.'s comment
0 thumb down thumb up
by Danielle C. 1+ years ago

Lmao. You know, when they came out with that slogan, I was pretty amused too. I just knew a man had a to be behind it! Ask my husband, there is no "happy" during ones period!

Reply to Danielle C.'s comment
[below viewing threshold, show comment] -2 thumb down thumb up
by kenara h. 1+ years ago

i dont see whys she's so mad?

Show 1 replies to this comment

CGFVI_Always Maxi-pad User

Advertise | About Us | Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Copyright Agent | Parents' Guide | Contact