Attorneys

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These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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submitted: 1+ years ago

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categories: health insults news, politics, government word fun (puns, riddles) work, school

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showing 29 - 78 of 78 discussions       sort by: newest

0 thumb down thumb up
by Lexi A. 1+ years ago

Wow, how did these attorneys even graduate from high school?

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by Kitler J. 1+ years ago

i was getting laid... rofl these are great u rock man

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by Michael D. 1+ years ago

#16 was my favorite. So funny!

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by Will G. 1+ years ago

hahahaha

Reply to Will G.'s comment
+1 thumb down thumb up
by George G. 1+ years ago

That last one left me speechless. Mainly because I was gasping for breath.

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by Rachel K. 1+ years ago

man, attourneys are retards!

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+2 thumb down thumb up
by jada s. 1+ years ago

ive come to wonder why i read comments anymore

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by mistie o. 1+ years ago

i think #6 is the best

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+4 thumb down thumb up
by Mauro E. 1+ years ago

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS WEBSITE!!!!!! Add more like these.

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by cathy c. 1+ years ago
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+2 thumb down thumb up
by Nein B. 1+ years ago

And this is why i dont like lawyers... I've always found myself smarter than them even the ones i go to college with...

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by cathy c. 1+ years ago
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by cathy c. 1+ years ago
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+1 thumb down thumb up
by cynthia j. 1+ years ago

This is a good post. I really enjoyed going through it and I really found it interesting. =============== cynthia Attorneys

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by Mac G. 1+ years ago

Naveed........UR a no life and coming from me THATS A REAL INSULT

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+2 thumb down thumb up
by insertnamehere o. 1+ years ago

wow naved....talk about a no life

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+1 thumb down thumb up
by Pushkin R. 1+ years ago

Naveed 's a dumbass.

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+2 thumb down thumb up
by Pushkin R. 1+ years ago

Naveed 's a dumbass.

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+3 thumb down thumb up
by Pushkin R. 1+ years ago

Naveed 's a dumbass.

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+2 thumb down thumb up
by Pushkin R. 1+ years ago

Naveed 's a dumbass.

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+2 thumb down thumb up
by Pushkin R. 1+ years ago

Naveed 's a dumbass.

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[below viewing threshold, show comment] -8 thumb down thumb up
by Naveed S. 1+ years ago
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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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+2 thumb down thumb up
by Rob O. 1+ years ago

B-E-A-utiful!!! ROFLMMFAO

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

Amazing Funny Videos , Hot Belly Dance , Hot Desi Girls Dance , Very Funny Pictures Collection , Only on >>>> www.KanjarTube.com

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

Amazing Funny Videos , Hot Belly Dance , Hot Desi Girls Dance , Very Funny Pictures Collection , Only on >>>> www.KanjarTube.com

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago

Amazing Funny Videos , Hot Belly Dance , Hot Desi Girls Dance , Very Funny Pictures Collection , Only on >>>> www.KanjarTube.com

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+3 thumb down thumb up
by Nic S. 1+ years ago

ROFLMAO!!!

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+4 thumb down thumb up
by -1 -. 1+ years ago

All of them were rofl but the last one best out of the others, like it when witnesses get smart to the attourneys

Reply to -1 -.'s comment
+1 thumb down thumb up
by Ashley S. 1+ years ago

lol.....olol....olololol!

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+1 thumb down thumb up
by Nick H. 1+ years ago

The last one was awesome i love those

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+1 thumb down thumb up
by Casey S. 1+ years ago

the best joke ever! I really enjoyed reading it!

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+1 thumb down thumb up
by Michael G. 1+ years ago

You must have met my lawyer!

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+2 thumb down thumb up
by radhikaa s. 1+ years ago

da last one seriously takes da cake...!!!

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+2 thumb down thumb up
by Jefferson J. 1+ years ago

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

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by Spencer M. 1+ years ago

that is the dumbest attourney i have ever heard, but the joke was great

Reply to Spencer M.'s comment
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by Ashley B. 1+ years ago

lol I like the Oral one the best. Hes Such a smart ass

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CGERD_Attorneys

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