Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time

Yesterday it worked, today it doesnt. Microsoft Windows is like that.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness!

A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey

People are not lazy, they're just happy doing nothing.

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Working is for people who don't know how to fish.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Avoid hangovers by staying drunk.

Excerceise and Diet... But you still Die.

Be nice to your kids, they choose your nursing home.

Save water, Drink beer.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen

The higher you are, the farther you fall

Alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life's problems!

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Always tell the truth, even when you lie

Facts: Every year more than 2500 left handed people are killed from using right handed products.

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk does?

Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone

I Don't Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me

I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal!

Save a tree, eat a beaver

Politicians prefer unarmed peasants

I'm not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings

There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise

When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!

What is arrogance? Thinking you can compete with me!

Trying is the first step towards failure

If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws

Statistics are used by people who have no proof

Divorce: from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet

You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!

I avoid temptation unless I can't resist it

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their nose?

Gravity always wins

A clean dwelling place is the sign of a disturbed mind

School is hell with flourescent lights

The funny thing about Common sense is that it's not very common

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once

Women/Men who seek to be equal with men/women lack ambition

What happens if you get scared half to death...twice?

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too..

Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me

Everybody makes mistakes, thats why they put erasers on pencils

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing

In the event of an emergency landing why do the people in the pamflet look so calm?

You can better lose a lover than love a loser

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one

In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop

I like to con and insult people, that's why I chose to become a Consultant

Mental Health is overrated

Geniuses are never understood in their own lifetimes

You can trust the government, just ask the Indians

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do

The rich get richer and the poor get children

Drugs cause amnesia, and other things I can't remember