NEw rules

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These should be the rules of the real world.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: Stop sending me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.


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showing 1 - 7 of 7 discussions       sort by: newest

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by Joel E. 1+ years ago

The person who wrote this must be a politician, because they put in good rules that everyone can agree on but then add some that only they believe in that make no sense. I mean we can all agree that that type of person at starbucks who orders all that is a jerk. We can all agree that bathroom attendants are creepy. But some like "tv shows are ideas that weren't good enough to be moves" are just wrong.

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by frank c. 1+ years ago

hahaha this guy sounds like a dick but he is funny

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by tessa p. 1+ years ago

haha i like these

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by Reed W. 1+ years ago

aren't the new rules something bill Maher does

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by Kristen C. 1+ years ago

a freakin awesome one

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by kong z. 1+ years ago

i agree competitive eating is definitely not a sport its just to make fat people feel good

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by Roger S. 1+ years ago

the teenage boys are "horny" little bastards, old guys that collect baseball cards do it b/c they can be a collector's item, and yes flavored water exists, it's called juice, you probably are that guy that goes to Starbucks and orders like that, no wait just going to Starbucks in the first place makes you an ass, where do you see bathroom attendants these days? some people actually use the, I would expect a container of chili to contain just that, chili, no matter how cheap it is, Chinese calligraphy is very beautiful anyways, competitive eating can be a sport if cheerleading can, you prolly won't even eat the one M&M cuz it'll go straight to you're thighs, watch the previews to a movie before you go watch it, duh, the registries make it easier to buy for, and if you didn't care about the baby's age whether in years or months why the hell did you ask in the first place. just bitching about things is not going to change them, and when I read this apparently "joke" I was expecting to laugh b/c I didn't know what to expect, but now since I've sat through all this and wasted all this time, I just have one thing to say, stop all you're damn whining and just get over the fact that things are the way they are and whether you think you can change them or not you can't, and the vibe I was getting from this "blog" the entire time I was reading it, was that you're so gay, and you don't even like boys

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