I'm safe from identity theft, no one wants to be me.
Great people in history have one thing in commom, they are all psychos.
Yogurt is not now and will not ever be a substiute for ice cream.
Thanksgiving is wrong, you get the day off but you have to spend it with your family.
Rumor has it, that people are having children on purpose.
God bless America. (But not any of those other, evil countries.)
Smile, it's our only defense against gravity.
The worst part about being poor is that you have to live among poor people.
Behind every success story is another story about someone having that same exact idea 5 years earlier.
Denial: The first step is admitting that there are no problems.
If you want revenge on a married man, just call his house and and hang up every time his wife answers.
The whoopie cushion is the seat of all humor.
Men are free to do whatever they please, just as long as their wife okays it.
We cheer Robin Hood when he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, but detest the poor when they do the same thing.
In a hundred years you won't have to worry about money.
It's okay to be late as long as you bring donuts.
Soccer is the only game you can say- "We killed em' 2-0."
Arguements between your spouse and you rarely end with whatever.
Never, under any circumstance, not even once in a while, is it okay to wear socks with sandals.
The two cruelest words ever linked together, mandatory meeting.
Never trust a story that has been told more than once.
The best weight loss system is sticking a mirror inside of your fridge.
and the most important thing....
If you get arrested, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.