New Rules

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New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days - mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis .

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn' t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"


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smiley 8.8 PG

submitted: 1+ years ago

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showing 1 - 6 of 6 discussions       sort by: newest

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by Joel E. 1+ years ago

So true, especially the last one. I know people who get facial piercings then complain about no one willing to hire them because of their facial piercing. I mean in my perfect idea of how the world should work, it shouldn't be a problem because if you are under 18 your parents shouldn't allow their child to do whatever they want, like put a hole in their face, and if you are 18 or older, you should be mature enough to realize "Hey, I'm legal now and shouldn't get a facial piercing because I genuinely hope to get employed." Then again, my sort of responsible thinking has been called "Conservatives/Christians trying to limit our freedoms by forcing their beliefs on us." When in reality I am not forcing anyone, just saying "Do it if you wanna, but I will remind you of what I said when you are now proudly wearing your piercings but are complaining about being unemployed." Ahhh, nothing like the rantings of an old man stuck in a young man's body....

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by Grace M. 1+ years ago

Hey, Rachel, over half of your sentences do not use proper gammar. Your third sentence and most of the names are not capitatized, you use too many of these !, and you are being bitchy over a few spelling errors? Grow up, Woman! Nobody cares! Fixed your own problems before you tell everyone else how they should be doing things.

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by Kristen C. 1+ years ago

WOW this sounds like something i would say. so funny

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by Reed W. 1+ years ago

Bill Maher is so funny :)

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by Taylor L. 1+ years ago

Hahahahaha, my favorite is the toddler/cheese one. I can't stop cracking up.

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by zakv c. 1+ years ago

fukin finnally sumone understands!!!

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