Steven Wright

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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the  famous erudite scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all  of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His  mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement, and  amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill  for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't  expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics  are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your  other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a  bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the  rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my  hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets  the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,...but she left me  before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How  do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to  be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 -  Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is  coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse  for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the  future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live far,  so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her  friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet  engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death  twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I  made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for  your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that  you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of  thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you  need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the  softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is  plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with  the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall  behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the  x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 -  Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If  your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights  work?


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smiley 8.5 PG

submitted: 1+ years ago

viewed: 69,865 times

categories: computer, science, technology work, school





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showing 1 - 2 of 2 discussions       sort by: newest

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by Eric P. 1+ years ago

I'm a big fan of Steven Wright, but most of these jokes are NOT his. They're not even in his style. There are quite a few jokes and quotes circulating the internet that have been falsely attributed to both Steven Wright and George Carlin.

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by Sarang J. 1+ years ago

these are either copied from the other ones or they copied them from him but gud

Reply to Sarang J.'s comment
CE8CZ_Steven Wright

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