THE 10 TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS ------------------------------ Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup. Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts. Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk. Advantages: Stays put; predictable. Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt.
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you. Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled. Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle.
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb. Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled. Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict. Advantages: Well rested; easy target. Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.
The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch. Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt. Disadvantages: May be having time of his life.
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster. Advantages: Perpetually aroused. Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused.
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool. Advantages: Tells good stories. Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus."
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy. Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer. Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction.
Mr. Prez Let's do it in the Oval Office. Let's do it in the war room Also known as Slick Willy, the Presidential Erection, The Commander in briefs, The Secret Servicer, The Pocket Veto and The Executive Branch Advantages: Fun games such as swallow the Leader. Think of the book rights and speaking fees I'll never have to do one of those American Express commercials "Who Am I" Disadvantages: Those darn perjury charges
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