There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, "How ya doing?"
The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. "You want that?" the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.
At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. "He was a good man and I'll never forget him," the preacher said, "I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."
The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. "Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!"
A Blonde was stopped by a policeman for reckless driving.
The policeman asked the blonde, "Why are you driving so recklessly, miss?"
The blonde replied, "well, you see, i was drive ok, when all of a sudden, i saw a tree in front of me, so i tried to get away from it, but no matter what i do, it seems to be always in front of me."
The policeman said, "lady, the tree is your airfresher."
Q: What horse has an asshole on its back? A: A policehorse.
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you!!"
"You have ONE advantage over me.....you can kiss my ass and I can't!!"
"Everyday is a gift, thats why they call it the present."