A man goes into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The barman hands him his pint, and motions towards a plate of peanuts. He reaches for a nut, but as he does, he hears a voice: "Wow, you're looking great today, Sir" "You'll go far in life, just you see" And so on. He realises it's the peanuts saying all these nice things.
He now wants a fag, so he goes to the ciggy machine, and puts his money in. He presses the button for his favourite brand, and he hears a voice from the machine: "You're so ugly, it looks like your face was set on fire then put out with a screwdriver" "You'll never amount to anything, you lowlife piece of shit"
Pissed off, the man goes back to the bar, and says to the barman: "Hey, what gives? The peanuts were all nice to me, but when I went to buy some fags, the machine insulted me"
The barman says: "Oh, I know what's wrong. You see, the peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is Out of Order"