Funny Quotes

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Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. - Robin Williams

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet - Robin Williams

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose - Robin Williams

Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are - Robin Williams

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture - Robin Williams

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. - Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit - Billy Connolly

The report of my death was an exaggeration. - Mark Twain

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Mark Twain

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. - Woody Allen

Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night. - Woody Allen

I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde

Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy – Spike Milligan

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? – Robin Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. – Robin Williams

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Death is hereditary

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield

"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls." Groucho Marx

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen

"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home." Ken Hammond

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." Emo Philips.

"Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law." Sholom Aleichem

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'." Charlie Brown.

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." Peter O'Toole.

"If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?" Steven Wright.

"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus." Bob Rubin

"Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git." Alexai Sayle.

"The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." Ronald Reagan.


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smiley 8.7 PG13

submitted: 1+ years ago

viewed: 14,294 times

categories: news, politics, government





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showing 1 - 3 of 3 discussions       sort by: newest

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by Joel E. 1+ years ago

Depending on which side you are on depends here in America if you call him "President" or "A corrupt politician that is ruining America" which, now that I think about it, most people agree no matter which political party they are with and who has won.

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by K D. 1+ years ago

lol those are awesome quotes

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by Lynn F. 1+ years ago

lol i loved the one about the president

Reply to Lynn F.'s comment
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