First, Before we begin our story of self discovery and eternal salvation, we must, of which i am certain, utter a short prayer to cleanse our unholy veins.....
Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change. The Courage to change the things i cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those i had to kill today because they got on my nerves.
And also, help me be careful of the toes i urinate on today as they may connected to the feet i may have to eat tomorrow.
And help me to remember: When i'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!
Now that we have been purged of all our unholy sins we may begin our story of Glory and msn messenger.... A Hobbits Tale T he Smellyshit of the Bling
Once Upon a Time there was an abnormally inquisitive Grassland Hobbit that went by the sinister name of 'Godo Wagins'. Early on in his life he had be abused by a half bee half squirrel hybrid mutant ninja cow, forcing his mind into a path of darkness and netherworldic cheese strings.
He was home to 560 species in his anus alone and 5, 000, 000 from head to toe. Brown eyes & silky eyebrows graced his grotesque and mangled face. 2 ft 4 in height, his hairy feet, each with its own unique shape, were 3 times larger than an Olkton in a Brandicup brain jar. A stout hobbit, never seen out during the day, or night for that matter, spent most of his time raping an old tesco bag & dancing to some of the best 1980s disco vibes. All those years doing what he did best, spawned his own grandchild to grow on the side of his arthritic & slightly asthmatic neck, giving him in total : 5 hearts, 2 heads & 16 testicles.
One Evening and a half, Godo went out for a long awaited stroll in the mountyside, Pickaxe in hand and foot in ear, he set off for he did not yet realise the path that was layed out before him. Roughly about 5 stazuras and 3 mizuras later he came to an old fellow, whisky white hair, and a slight frame with crimson eyes glared deep into Godo's absent soul. 'Hi want to go for a drink? I'm Tamwise Gomgee by the way! Nice to meet u finally, I've heard so much about you!' spoke the old man. Slightly confused and queer, Godo accepted the old shits offer and, together, they sank many a pint down at the Crow's Wing Lodge. 'My! look at the tome! its 1:30 bm! i best be off!' gurgled Tamwise, smashing a beer glass into Godo's grandson's face. Mr Wagins just held a strong gaze & said nothing while the brittle o'le fart raced out of the Lodge at the speed of Oblivion Collectors Edition.
Back on Godo's late neet stroll he began fumbling in his pocket for a lemonsickle berrypop chewy chew to give him a satisfying energy boost for only $1:99, in stores now! see in store for details, chew will not be supplied, terms & conditions apply. Chewing on his chewy chew he started to pick up his pace to a rather discrete hobble in hope to butcher an unsuspecting gay priest out for an 'innocent' 'game' with his mate in the bushes *cough cough*
Still with pickaxe in hand and foot in ear, Godo Wagins approached his pray.....slowing his pace....the soft panting of his psychotic breath seemed to call out to the priest(s) to warn them of the danger.......Godo....Raised his arm....ready to strike...............
To be continued
A Hobbits Tale The Two Priests
Raising his stout mutated arm, he severed the holy puff's head with the briskness of a goat with Down Sindrome. Un-docking himself, the other queen shot off into the brambleberry bushes of www.Hanzo.co.buk! Godo's lightning ninja relfexes, obtained by many minutes of smoking yogert & paper, allowed him to slither like a piraneese washing machine and catch the homosexual in a cold embrace of death and Volvic Touch of Fruit,. The Enraged & slightly cautious of : married under aged, crack smokin, yellow bellied, tree chopper, newsagent,tesco, slacker, dino men, poweranger piglets, devoured the priests feet in a suttle and morbedly obese manner. Godo went into a state of complex sequences in which he would have a 13 second lip spazm and a 5.67 second buttock implosion proving to be a spectacular event for the whole family to enjoy, come to Patric studios 5th march 1992......
Finishing his modoratly incompadant sandwitch, Godo continued on his late neet walk to the houselords province of Mohan to seek council in this time of prostitution & mal-nutrition. Arriving at his target, destination, Mr Wagins molested his disfigured thumb after due consideration and proceeded to Gayoden, King of Mohan and all things round.
''How'er darrr yee enterrgh mee lond & ooll thongs whrond?!'' boomed Gayoden in a thin goatish roar. Frozen in envoloping fear, Godo managed to summon the courage to say, ''Hey yee fecckker, Get ooooofff mee Basking Shark yer wee lil cow milk turd!'' throwing a wooden bent spoon hurtling through the air at the speed of a criticly acclaimed movie star : winner of 17 academy awards in 1066. Inches from the majesty's face which was covered in large pulsing warts each with its own personality but all shared thier lust for world domination, He, at the speed of light, asked his warts to protect him from this evil that is know as 'Spoon'. Following thier master's need for utmost haste, they let loose an airborn fleet of high powered aircraft to engage the wooden object. Quickly dispatching it, the aircraft return to base to recieve medals & promotions, nicley accopanied by puss whisky & infection. Gayoden, disolutioned by Godo's random outburst, solumnly un-sheethed a round knife, hopefully to scuwer his orange he so desperatly wanted to eat. However, Mr Wagins did not think twice before loading his 12 barrel shotgun and filling Gayoden's wart infested head with metal raisons.
''Yes i aggree, we should flee to Holms Dope to make a final stand against the Dorks of Amazing Git!'' aknowledged (damn spelling!) the King. They apeared in Holms Dope because i can't be arsed to write much more, anyway......They prepared the fort for war and what not!
The Air seemed to tremble itself, anticipating the loss of life to come. The Bords sang thier last song of serenity that many of the Houselords would hear.....And even the clouds began to weep rain from the unmoly hovons looming over the battlefield to be.
Godo, not being one of much height, peered over the stockade, scanning what apeared to be a 10 000 sword strong Dork army. Emlin, Godo's grandchild, took momentarily over thier shared body, shitting vigourously over the walls in hope to physically say ''Oi! You! get eff meh feckin land you wee skanky public toilet in Ely!''.
The Houslords stationed themselves along the wall in which they would be forced to kill or be killed. Mr Wagins and his stout evil aura found it rather amuseing to roundhouse kick a soldier causing him to plummit to his flat chested death (haha, falling > hits ground > flat > get it? flat chested death? get it? bah! whatever..).
He was ready, ready as any apocolyptic diabolical short bloke would ever be! It was Time! He Knew what he had to do! He was.....you get the picture.....Godo was ready...... The Dorks moved closer to the towering walls. It was at that moment that Godo relised that these were no Dorks, they were Shnuruk HI! 7ft in height and 2 times stronger than the avarage sized hobbit, these were a worthy foe for any middle aged plumber who likes football Aka : Chav. The Shnuruk Hi made the forst move, bringing down a small portion of the wall with the thundering of thier joint coughing (from smoking). Godo, in the spurr of the moment, leaped forth and encoiled himself around a fellow Houselord, draining him of all his deodorant increasing his power by a large, slightly smaller than quite large but bigger than mildly little amount! Letting forth a great battle cheep he let forth a burning ball of library books and fitness dvds, crashing into the enemies front line. ''Skal skivi! skal sckovichi lah hee!'' yelled Godo in olvosh ordering his men to open fire. A Darkening cloud of splintering arrows held the sky hostage before aquireing thier victim and plumeting towards them with a smile as if to say ''lol u silly fucker! you cant stop me from callin you alabama on live tv! ha!''. Their volley was to little affect as it only killed 15 Shnuruks & a lost cripple in a rusty wheelchair. Godo, Understanding thier attack was of no real use, he used his sublety skills to shimmy down the walls using Emlins face to grip onto the bricks and paste his skin giving them a slow decent. Using his groin hose, he created an oil slick in hope to slow down the marauding forces. Quickly scurrying back up the skin covered wall, behind, the Schuruks prepared to raise thier looders in an attempt to scale the walls. Much to Godo's astonishment half of the looders crashed to the ground after failing to grip the slippery ground. However, hundreds of Shnuruks were already accending the the looders and many had begun the titanic battle atop the walls.
Still havnt finished it but i'll edit when ive got it down in rough =)