Worst 100 Ways to Deliver Bad News

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The List [edit] 170-161

167. Make it a nickname.

"Daddy's home, wheres my little Cancer-girl?"

166. Start a new city with your bad news. Welcome to "You Have AIDS"! Pop. None, after you die a slow, painful, agonizing death.

165. Disguise it in a catchy web banner!


164. Ask a friend to read this entire list When they're done, ask them "Hey, did you get the hint?"

163. Compose a message from clips of random TV shows. If you can't find a word, you can always find a childrens programme and spell it out.

162. Disguise it in the patch notes of their favourite game.

Patch v. 0.21

Skill changes Magic Missile's cast time has been lowered to 0.6 seconds. Magic Armour now reduces physical damage correctly Soul Sweep has been buffed to damage all enemies within 50 yards of the player Player xXaznpwner43Xx has been nerfed with the condition "Twelve-foot long Intestinal Tapeworm" Grand Guard has been buffed so players are only slowed by 50% when it is active. Finishing Blow no longer deals damage if the attack is missed or evaded. The damage bonus for Finishing Blow has been increased by 15% to 205%

161. Use a Video Tape

"This is me telling you on tape that you have stomach cancer." For added effect, give the tape to everybody you know. [edit] 160-151

160. Put it in your English paper.

"Why Jack Watson Has Five Days To Live" by B. Smith

159. Put it on a grocery list. Gal. milk 1 tombstone for your cancer-wracked body Doz. eggs

158. Take them out to an amusement park. Tell them right before a steep drop.

"I just wanted to tell you, Stan...a bunch of junkies killed your wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife!"

157. Image:Einsteinandyou.jpg

156 Crop Circles.

"Though at first there was no recognisable pattern to the signs appearing in fields all over the mid-west, cipher specialists have now found out that it's morse code for 'Sorry, Joe, your whole family died in a massive train wreck'"

155. Play "Who Am I" as him/her You: "Do I wear glasses?" Others: "YES!" You: "Do I have brown hair?" Others: "YES!" You: "Do I have cancer and will die in the next 6 months?" Others: "YES!" You: "Oh, I know, I'm Charlie!" Charlie: "What?"

154. Change their username

* iHaveAIDS has logged on

iHaveAIDS: Who changed my name? Joe: Your doctor...

153. Two words - Google bombing.

"So, Dave, maybe when you have a little free time, you'll go to Google and type in 'people with chlamydia'...yeah, yeah, and then you click 'I'm Feeling Lucky'...yeah, uh...oh, no reason. Bye!"

152. Let it slip out while golfing.

"Well, Stan, I think you'll shoot however many days you have left to live. So, you should shoot...about a three."

151. Tell them with a mix CD.

Nothing says it quite like Matchbox Twenty's "Disease". [edit] 150-141

150. Tell them in an IM.

JoeHasHerpes53: r u joe?

149. Make them pay for drinks.

"Drinks are on the guy with the inoperable brain tumour! Phil, you buying?"

148. Tell them to look on the bright side.

"Hey, sweetie, you know how you've always wanted a guest room? Well, I figured that since our son is going to jail and he's not going to need that room for about five years, we could talk about redecorating."

147. Use a quintuple negative.

"Hey, Bob, you don't not not not not not have cancer!"

146. Tell them at a sporting event.

"We'd like to give a hearty hello the fan in seat 33-C, who has 5 days to live!"

145. Put it on a T-Shirt.

"Your wife was killed in a car accident and all she left me was this lousy T-Shirt"

144. Talk to their neighbours about it.

"Yeah, ever since I heard he has AIDS, I'm really sorry for him? What, you didn't know? Well, you should ask him then, I'm sure he meant to tell you."

143. Put it on your answering machine and tell them to call you.

"Hi, I'm not at home. You can leave me a message. Unless it's you, Frank: You only got 24 hours to live, you should be out there and use what little time is given to you!"

142. Make a bad webcomic about it!


141. With the Old Military Trick

Allright, you maggots. Everyone who's got a wife that's alive step forward. PRIVATE MILLER, STAY IN LINE! [edit] 140-131

140. Through the magical art of Mime

Look up:A piano falls on you. Enlarge Look up: A piano falls on you.

139. Get Sir Elton John to release another new version of "Candle in the Wind"

Goodbye Bobby's mum Though he never knew you're rich You had the grace to hold yourself Until you hit that ditch That lorry hit you so hard And it splattered all your brains The servants, all in your will Have your millions to their name

But it seems to me you lived your life Like a candle in the wind Never knowing who to cling to When the greed set in And I know your son disowned you So he's not in your will Your candle burned out long before He went in for the kill

138. This way!

Well, all I can really say to you right now is that YOUR WIFE DIED WHEN HER OFFICE BURNED DOWN so sorry. Also YOU HAVE SYPHILLIS that you got when you had that affair the week before YOUR WIFE DIED AND YOUR MISTRESS IS PREGNANT I know this may be a lot to lay on you at the current moment, but really.

137. Hide it in a link

Yo, dude. You know how you just got an iPod, I think you should read this so you know how to enjoy it to its fullest potential for the next 3 to 6 months!


You screwed up on Uncyclopedia, and all you got was this lousy template and disease! You have displeased Sophia and earned a terminal illness for misconduct. May your sad fate serve as a warning to others. Make Uncyclopedia better, not worse. Stop the cycle of violins.

135. Surrealism!

A purple polka-dotted hungry giraffe swims in a bath tub while your wife was killed in a plane crash while the sun in Napoléon's eye collapsed like a monkey bird.

134. Department store flyer


Great savings in every department! 10% off all black clothing for the poor widower. This week only and only at Gigantic Tiger!

133. EBG13.

Url, Ebo! V xvyyrq lbhe cneragf!

132. Be an arse

Look, just because both your parents got hit by a truck does not give you the right to demand that I stop leaving the toilet seat down!

131. Use a popular character as a help device

You're not the only one, Jessie! Look, this book is called "Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone". [edit] 130-121

130. Reminisce about it

Hey, remember that time when your dad shot and killed your mother yesterday and was killed by the police after a stand off?

129. The Memorial Car Park.

128. Image:tumourhumoursign.jpg

127. Haiku


Cherry blossoms grow When the spring comes around here Too bad you have AIDS


126. Enlarge

125. Spray-Paint it on their cat Be sure to include 'sorry' for a touch of empathy

124. Image:135px-Wikinews-logo-en.png

123. Get stranded on an island, and spell it out in rocks.

122. Hack Wikipedia. You have new maladies. (last tumour)

121. Give them a sign

[edit] 120-111

120. Enroll them in a club

Dear Sally Jenkins,

This is a nominal invitation to join the Orphans Club. For details see the attached flier. Please register at our HQ (address below) or in our website www.youareorphaned.com

119. Yours to discover! Image:badnews-pl8.jpg

118. Lighthearted Comparison "Wow! That boy's growing as fast as your malignant tumour!"

117. Leave messages in the phone machine

* Message 1: "Hey, Jim, you remember Buttons? Well, he's stuck in a tree and no matter what we try we can't get him down." * Message 2: "Jim? We got Buttons down, but he was hypothermic and was rushed to the Vet's." * Message 3: "The Vet says he's trying everything, but it's not looking good." * Message 4: "I'm sorry Jim, but Buttons' gone to the big litterbox in the sky." * Message 5: "Hey Jim it's Ted, want to go get drunk on Vanilla Extract and throw Cherry Danishes at the hookers? What? Oh, right... Jim, Buttons would have wanted you to Cherrify the hookers."

116. Write it in your teeth and smile!!! Be sure to make said message no longer than 32 letters.

115. Misfortune cookie. Image:Badfortunecookie.jpg

114. Create a sandwich. I think I'll have the Paul Fields Memorial BLT

113. Tattoo it on your knuckles | Y | O | U | L | | L | D | I | E |

112. Through Radio Jason Mann would like to send a big hug to his friend Bill Lavender and tell him his son got eaten by an elephant! *elephant noise*

111. Hold a parade The First Annual Macy's You Have Testicular Cancer Day Parade.

[edit] 110-101

110. Scrabble

Simply insert some subtle hints into a friendly game of Scrabble.

109. In poetry

Roses are red Violets are blue I have HIV And now you do too.

108. Trust in the Bible. I am glad to inform you that the court has found a suitable resolution to your long-standing child custody dispute. This court has consulted the timeless wisdom of King Solomon and on the basis of the doctrine of stare decisis has decided to simply chop the child in half.

107. Name a new species "And we will call this dinosaur the Billsmumhascancersaurus Rex."

106. During the holidays Give them a big present with a fancy red ribbon for Christmas and tell them that it's a surprise. Then, when they open it, it will be a child-sized coffin with a note that says "This is for Billy. He has late-stage leukemia. If he doesn't die (not fucking likely) he can turn it into a soapbox derby car or something. Cheers. Your family physician."

105. Nominate them for the Having AIDS Hall of Fame or start sewing their panel for the AIDS quilt

104. Rock, paper, cancer!

103. Buy a vowel

102. Steal their phone and record it as their ringtone.

[edit] 91-100

100. Russian Reversal Joke "Hey Billy, in Soviet Russia, a plane crash died in your parents!"

99. Good news/Bad news "Miss Hamilton? We have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that Detective Taylor over there has just got engaged. Congratulations again, Chip! The bad news is your son's dead." Another variant is duplicating those GEICO commercials.

98. Use a festive occasion to soften the blow "Merry Christmas, Mr. Richards! You have an inoperable tumour."

97. Try to throw them off "I have some positive news for you, Miss Wilson. HIV-positive, that is!"

96. "Wag the dog" "By the way, Bob, I've been sleeping with your wife for two years." *promptly shoot the television*

95. Use a foreign language Deliver it to them in a crazy foreign language like Spanish or French and then teach them just enough of that language to make them understand what you said: "Tú tuviste una madre" ot "tu es marde". You may notice that in this sentence the verb 'tener' is used in the past tense"

94. Deliver the bad news in a chat room or through IM "OMGWTF!!!11 its malignant0rz!"

93. Zork narrator

Bad news! Score: -1 Moves: 13

You have been eaten by a grue.

Oh, and by the way, your spouse just got run over by a freight train. Isn't that great?

* Give up * Die

92. Use Bongo drums played in morse code this is actually so silly they may laugh when they hear their son had syphilis and had to have his head amputated. I know I did!

91. Make up something even worse to make them relieved when you tell the truth "All our kids died in a playground shooting! I'm kidding, it was just little Annie."

[edit] 81-90

90. Play it as an April Fool's joke "I burned down your house. April fools! It was actually the Russian mob."

89. Distract them with physical pain *punch in the face* You only have two weeks to live!

88. Use a Rebus

87. Use a knock knock joke "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Yule" "Yule who?" "Yule have to use a colostomy bag for the rest of your life."

86. Image:Deliverance.JPG

85. Skywriting Have "Your baby has died" written in 40 foot high letters of red smoke above the town where they live. Don't forget to include their names.

84. Take out a two-page ad in the New York Times

83. Make them feel guilty to take the blame off yourself "I'm sorry Billy, we couldn't save your mother. God has taken her up to heaven. I guess you just didn't love her enough."

82. Make a page about it on Wikipedia Hey, anyone can edit it, and there probably isn't an article entitled "I killed your baby"

81. Make a page about it on Uncyclopedia Create a Worst 100 list; entitle it "Worst 100 Diseases your wife could have".

[edit] 71-80

80. Using You have two cows "You have two cows. First you have to visit your mom in the hospital, and then you have your wife."

79. Reprogramme Windows XP Image:Ebola-error-message.png

78. Play I spy "I spy with my little eye something ending with... AIDS" "What?" "Your life!"

77. Use an allegory "So the evil trolls from the land of Leukaemia traveled through the red rivers of Circulus, and the Grand Wizard Immuno was powerless to stop them."

76. Killing them "Just wait till you see who's waiting for ya at the pearly gates!"

75. Make them guess Give them a hint every now and then to keep it going. Image:Aidshint.png

74. Soften the blow with a present "Your house has burnt down with your children in it. Here, I got you an iPod." "Hi honey, I'm home. I just got back from the high street where I bought some fine fresh flowers for your gravesite. Oh, by the way, Doctor Smedley called and said there was something he needed to tell you..."

73. Make Lance Armstrong tell them "huff huff huff huff huff... uh so huff huff yeah, your huff huff huff son died."

73. Edit Uncyclopedia so that there are two #73's.

73. And add a third, just for good measure.

73. But four is too much.

72. Cockney Rhyming Slang Versatile for any occasion -

* "Do you have a knife?" - "I am shagging your wife" * "My name is Bob" - "I am afraid you have penile cancer and I will have to operate"

71. Distract them with sheer panic Lock them in a room with a starving, rabid polar bear and shout the bad news through the key hole.

[edit] 61-70

70. Image:TheSmithsTheQueenIsDead.jpg 69.

For those obsessed with so-called-experts, Wikipedia has an article about: Bad News.

68. Point out irony to lighten the mood "And your son committed suicide with the gun that you bought to protect your family. Ironic, isn't it..."

67. Charge money for every bit of information Might as well make some cash out of it. "It has to do with your mother." "What does? Just tell me." "You know the rules. Ten bucks, or no new information" "Ok, here!" "Thank you. It's something bad." "Oh for fuck's sake! Just tell me already." "We'll get there eventually. Would you like to continue?" "Jesus Christ! Here." "It happened this afternoon..."

66. Charades


65. Blog it That way, you can add links everywhere to help them!

64. Get a Parrot to say it[1] Awk! "Your daddy got hit by a bus." Awk! Enlarge Awk! "Your daddy got hit by a bus." Awk!

63. Save it for when you're losing an argument "Oh Yeah? Well... Well.... You've got lung cancer!"

62. Spam them They get home, open their inbox and find spam about kidney cancer. They talk about it the next day, then you tell them you signed them up for it as you thought they would like to see what can cure them.

61. Take them sky diving and tell them right before they jump out "Ok Phil, remember to pull the cord after about ten seconds. Also, your dog was run over by a steamroller."

[edit] 51-60

60. Image:Rupert murdoch.jpg

59. Pay their favourite celebrity to tell them "Hi, Mikey, I'm Michael Jackson! I heard you're a big fan of mine! Well, I just came to your house to let you know you'll be dead in three months!"


57. Using JavaScript private Message (double rapedInTheEar) { super ("sorry" ); yourMum = rapedInTheEar; }

56. Write it in blood on their brand new white carpet "Sorry Jim, should've saved that money for the chemo!"

55. Make an entry on bash.org

so you heard about that guy who had his house burn down? yah that was bob wnt it? ***bob has joined #badnews*** haahaaaaa ha ah aha haaa hahahaaaaaa lol lmao

54. Image:Badnewssoup.jpg

53. Do it on a cheezy talk show (ie Maury Povich or Jerry Springer) "Uh, honey, I couldn't tell you this unless I was with Maury, but I've been cheating on you with your best friend, and our baby may not be yours, and our baby may actually be an alien."

52. Get yourself on the news and say it on live television "God told me to do it, I'm so sorry for the families of all the seven people I killed, but I didn't have any choice. Oh by the way Nick, I know you're watching this, your daughter has AIDS."

51. Tell them during sex. 51. I have dyarrhea Enlarge 51. I have dyarrhea

[edit] 41-50

50. Edit their user page:


This user has a malignant tumour in his colon.

49. Blame it on foreigners "Those damn Mexicans gave you a brain tumour!"

48. Do it at the end of the world "I dropped you on your head when you were a baby." "Oh, daddy! I love you so much!" *blam*

47. Use YTMND [2]

46. A singing telegram.


44. Write an Encyclopedia Dramatica article "hahahaha yeah so ronnie456 is the gayest LiveJournal user ever, also too bad you've got lung cancer mark =(".

43. Rig a magic eight-ball to always answer positive "Did Bobby's fiancee drown in the pool this morning? Definitely true..."

42. Pretend they won a prize "Congratulations, Dianne! You're the one millionth person to get a check-up at our hospital! Guess what you've won!" "What?" "Free healthcare for the rest of your life! Two months worth! Woo!"

41. Bake them a cake.

[edit] 31-40

40. Master the art of ventriloquism and make it look like somebody else said it.

39. Microsoft Excel Pie Chart

38. Tell them at the altar during the wedding ceremony "I do. Also, I have a penis. Yeah, I probably should have mentioned this sooner, heh..."

37. Use humour to relieve the tension "Have you heard the one about the guy whose mum had terminal cancer?"

36. Using a bad cryptic crossword clue "You haven't WON this battle, NEO. You've got only _ _ _ more day to live". (1)

35. After a light sabre battle while your opponent is hanging on for dear life "I am your father."

34. Inhale some helium from a balloon to add a touch of hilarity.

33. In a business meeting

32. Make them their very own Oscar Wilde quote "Richard Stevenson? Ahh yes, the young man with the terminal illness. My condolences." ~ Oscar Wilde

31. "Happy Final Birthday!"

[edit] 21-30

30. By giving subtle hints Who has cervical cancer? Spin the wheel! Enlarge Who has cervical cancer? Spin the wheel!

29. Make them go find on their own "Why I haven't seen your kitty cat all morning Susie; but maybe you should look under the front of daddy's car."

28. Treat them to a full body wrap at the spa and tell them when they are cocooned in saran wrap and cucumber puree.

27. Send in the clowns

26. Use a Monty Python reference. "Honey, there's a Mr. Death here, come to see about the reaping..." "Your third castle just burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp! But you tell the kids that these days..." "Nobody expects the Salmonella Inquisition!" "Is that parrot a Norwegian Blue?" "You've got AIDS...nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, say no more."

25. Leave a post-it on their work desktop. "Meeting at 3 pm. Also, your mum drowned in the tub."

24. Make a song about it "Hey, Larry You're nice and all But I'm sorry to tell you You have cancer in your balls..."

23. Spray paint it on their car, house and, if possible, rear-end.

22. À la Nelson Muntz "Aaron, your family was violently murdered. Haw haw!"

21. Pieces of Info Tony: "Do you have health insurance?" Linda: "Yea, why?" Tony: "No reason. Just asking. Uh, how do you feel about cancer?"

[edit] 11-20

20. Call someone with Tourette's to do the job for you. "You have GOOK two weeks to NINE-AND-A-HALF INCHES KIKE live."

19. Imitate The Ring "Seven...days...until your medula melts."

18. Get it into the top 40 "And now, the new Backstreet Boys hit single: 'Dave, I forgot to feed your cat and it died, really sorry. Love, Matthew'"

17. image:gameover.gif

16. Throw them a 'bad news' surprise party.

15. Kick Me! Tape a "kick me in the crotch, then tell me that I have penile cancer" sign to his back.

14. Make a card, but not the kind Hallmark would make Image:Domestic Cinders.jpg

13. Disguise it as an award Image:badnews3.jpg

12. Try to compare it to a famous example "Remember when Freddie Mercury got AIDS and ended up wasting away and dying? Well, this is kinda like that. Except you're a shitty singer."

11. Use the power of radio. For Bubba from Tallahassee, whose only son just got eaten by a hungry alligator, here's Sir Elton John's smash hit "Crocodile Rock"! This long-distance dedication goes out to Joe Schmuck of Moose Breath, Sasquatchewan from all the fine doctors at Billy-Bob's Blacksmithery and Cancer Clinic. Here's Another One Bites The Dust, a former Queen-sized top-one single which may well be the last song Joe Schmuck hears before the malignant tumour spreads to the rest of what was once his brain.

[edit] 1-10

10. Summon the town crier. "Oyey, oyez! People of this fine village, lend me thine ears! Syphilis has taken its toll and this fine citizen shall be dead upon the morrow! Oyey, oyey!"

9. Seek mummers or carollers to deliver your festive message. Joy to the world, the school burned down And all your children died...

8. Deliver a message using a squad of crazed underage cheerleaders "Give me a "P", give me a "L", give me an "A" , give me a "G" , give me a "U", give me an "E", what does that spell? The PLAGUE, the PLAGUE, you dead, you dead! Rah, rah, rah, go TEAM!! YAY!!!"

If nothing works, you can always combine 6 & 7. Enlarge If nothing works, you can always combine 6 & 7.

7. Halftime at the Super Bowl We cut away briefly from our coverage of this year's wardrobe malfunction to show the Not A Good Year blimp, and its message "Billy, Your Papa Just Died Of A Heart Attack". And, on that note, here are a few words from our sponsors Marlboro...

6. The awesome power of interpretive dance

5. Talk about the TV shows "Lost" or "Survivor" Hey, wouldn't it be weird if the reason Locke can walk on the island is because your sister just had a miscarriage? Hey, do y'know waht I think is under the hatch? Your mother's corpse that was dug up last week. Six doctors have voted. You have been voted off the island. Guess we won't see you next week. For everyone else, same time, same channel...

4. Supportive Comparison "Good luck at the concert tonight, Sally. You'll kill 'em, just like the rabid bear killed your parents!"

3. Double jeopardy "Here we go, it's Fatal Carbon Monoxide Poisonings for $100. The answer is YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY, now what was the question? You have three seconds..."

2. Write it on stone tablets then send some guy up Mount Sinai to collect.

1. Hey Matt, I know you hang out at uncyclopedia, so if you're reading this, your daughter jumped off a roof this morning. --Dave 13:04, 12 Jan 2006 (UTC).

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