Here are some supposedly true humorous statements by several airline flights crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!"
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, one of the most bone jarring I've experienced; The steward came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault.......it was the asphalt!"
From a Southwest Airlines employee..."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."