Children's "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"

mark as unread

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

"My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him." Age 10

"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." Age 5

"I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower." Age 11

"I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died." Age 13

"I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor." Age 14

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" Age 15

"Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: 'A truck!'" Age 15

"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends." Age 8

"Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote." Age 10

"Home is where the house is." Age 6

"Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number." Age 15

"It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there." Age 5

"Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money." Age 13

"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out." Age 6

"The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"" Age 15

"Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?" Age 15

"I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks." Age 15

"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be...until the looting started." Age 15

Rate

How funny is this joke, video, picture?

Submitted By

Stats

smiley 7.4 PG

submitted: 1+ years ago

viewed: 35,285 times

categories: other

close

Permalink

Permalink:

close

Save to List

Loading...

Personal Lists

Create New Personal List

List Name:

Allow Others to View/Subscribe:

save cancel

saving...

Community Lists

Create New Community List

List Name:

save cancel

saving...

joke

User Comments Add Comment

showing 0 - 0 of 0 discussions       sort by: newest

C8GM_Children's "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"

Advertise | About Us | Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Copyright Agent | Parents' Guide | Contact Funny.com

604fiLLijebavkEb1NS1Pg
0