What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) .... I was so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep" asked the man? "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here,we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
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