George Carlin Witticisms

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1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, then why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to the bookstore and asked the sales clerk, "Where's the self-help section?" She said that if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all of those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is walking around the middle of the forest speaking and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

10.If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?

11.Is there another word for synonym?

12.Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

13.Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

14.What do you do when you see an endangered animal eat an endangered plant?

15.If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16.Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17.Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18.If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he considered homeless or naked?

19.Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20.Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21.If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22.Why do they put braille on drive-through bank machines?

23.How do they get the deer to cross at the yellow signs?

24.Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25.What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26.Here's something you never hear a man say: "After I shove this hot poker up my ass I'm going to chop my dick off."

27.Another thing you'll never hear a man say: "Stop sucking my dick or I will call the cops."

28.Life's not that tough. You wake up, go to work, eat three meals, take one good shit and go back to bed.

29.Why are boxing rings square?


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