- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.
- Home is where you can say anything you want cause nobody listens to you.
- Sex is hereditary; chances are if your parents didn't have it you won't either.
- If women can have PMS then why can't men have ESPN?
- There is two sides to every divorce, yours and shithead's.
- Everyday I beat my own previous record for numbers of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
- Isn't it funny how the mood can change so quickly by just one busted condom?!
- Midlife is when your realize you are so old you have to pay some one to look at you naked.
- Middleage is when you choose your cerael for the fiber and not the toy.
- Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.