- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

- Home is where you can say anything you want cause nobody listens to you.

- Sex is hereditary; chances are if your parents didn't have it you won't either.

- If women can have PMS then why can't men have ESPN?

- There is two sides to every divorce, yours and shithead's.

- Everyday I beat my own previous record for numbers of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

- Isn't it funny how the mood can change so quickly by just one busted condom?!

- Midlife is when your realize you are so old you have to pay some one to look at you naked.

- Middleage is when you choose your cerael for the fiber and not the toy.

- Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.