Three men die at the same time and are standing at the pearly white gates. St. Peter says "Guys, I never thought I'd say this, but, Hell's getting too full. So, you were headed to Hell, but we'll let you into Heaven if you can undertake a painful situation for 10 years.
The first guy says, "I don't really want to go to Hell. How about if you light my right hand on fire?" So the guy's hand is lit on fire and he runs off screaming.
The second guy says, "I suppose I can take something lit on fire. How about you light my left foot on fire?" So his left foot is lit on fire, and he runs off screaming.
The third guy says "Aww, I can do better than that! Light my penis on fire!"
St. Peter asks, "Are you sure you really want to undergo that?" The man says, "Sure, I'll prove why I deserve to be in Heaven!" So his penis is lit on fire and he goes running off screaming.
10 years later, after much running and screaming, St. Peter gathers them all up and extinguishes their flames. "Congratulations. You have all proven yourselves worthy of Heaven." The three men all sit down to a golden table as beautiful angels bring them beer after beer.
The first guy leans over the table and says, "My name's Abe Johnson, and I lied to get in here. I lost my right hand in WWII, and this is just a prosthetic attachment."
The second guy says, "Yeah, I know how you feel. My name's Kurt Johnson, and I lost my left foot in 'Nam."
The third guy leans over and says, "Pleased to meet you guys. My name's John Bobbit."