Aquarius There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day.
Pieces They to avoid any Virgo's or Leo's with the Ebola virus. You are the true "Lord of the Dance" no matter what those idiots at work say.
Aires The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus You will never find true happiness. What're you gonna do? Cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driving test.
Leo Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss' face. Eat a bucket of tuna flavored Jell-O, and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo All Virgo's are extremely friendly and intelligent- except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.
Libra A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio Be ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them. Take down all those naked pictures of fat old women you've got hanging in your den.
Capricorn The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person,but you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never ever,ever, ever, ever leave my house again.