The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.