1. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on!"
2. Kid asks for new bike, but gets a packet of cigarettes.
3. Along with presents, Santa leaves a hefty bill for shipping and handling.
4. By the time he gets to your house, all he has are styrofoam peanuts.
5. Christmas Day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bead.
6. Instead of "naughty" or "nice", Santa has him/her on the "dork" list.
7. Sends him/her off on one of those Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.
8. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard, and I'll put the hurt on you!"
9. Label on all kids toys read, "Straight from Craptown."
10. Four words: "Off my lap Tubby!"