1. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.
2. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
3. How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.
4. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
5. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
6. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
7. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
8. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read your newspaper?
9. What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.
10. What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands were not met.
11. What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? They are both extinct.
12. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.
13. What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
14. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A round of Skeet.
15.What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
15. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
16. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
17. What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.
18. What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.
19. What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
20. What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.
21. What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The prostitute stops screwing you after you are dead.
22. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
23. What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
24. Where can you find a good lawyer? The nearest cemetery.
25. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.
26. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.