1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
4. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
5. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
6. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
7. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
8. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
9. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.