Why Books are Better Than Babies

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(Various contributions from the members of the childfree mailing list) 1. When you highlight a baby, it washes off. 2. You can't prop up a crooked table with a baby. 3. You can't hide money inside a baby. 4. You can't sell them back at the end of the semester. 5. If you dog-ear a baby, you end up in jail. 6. Your parents aren't always after you to get your first book. 7. Nobody gets upset when a teenager has a book. 8. Making books is as much fun as making babies! 9. Your books don't want to play with your toys. 10. Books aren't offended when you spend your free time web-surfing. 11. You don't have to strap your books in special seats when you travel. 12. If your dog chews up your book, you can get a new book (and keep the dog!) 13. Used books are easier to find than used babies. 14. It usually doesn't take nine months to acquire a book. 15. Nobody looks at you funny when you have a hundred books. 16. A book's natural state is dry. 17. Books can always be shoved in the attic when you're tired of them. 18. Books arrive fully developed, and you can't be blamed for any plot defects. 19. My parents aren't interested in coming to visit my books. 20. If you lose a book it's no big deal. 21. No one makes stupid movies about books deserted at home. 22. A book is more likely to be mauled by a cat than maul one. 23. Books don't wake you up at stupid times of the morning demanding to be fed, amused, or changed. 24. Books don't throw a temper tantrum if - you pay more attention to another book. - you have things you'd rather be doing than reading it right now. 25. You can take a book into a fine restaurant and know it will remain quiet and well-behaved. 26. You don't have to get a babysitter for a book if you want to go out. 27. Books don't point and ask embarrassing questions in public. 28. Books not only ask questions, they also provide answers. 29. Books don't want to watch "Barney". In fact, they're best enjoyed with the TV off. 30. Books don't have recurring costs, like clothing, food, and diapers. 31. You can't download a baby from the worldwide web (yet). 32. You can't mail a baby to a friend you want to share it with. 33. Books don't need to be toilet trained. 34. A book still works with a broken spine. (sick and twisted, I know) 35. You can leave books in a box for months and they will be ok. 36. Books smell better than babies. 37. You can take a book to a fancy restaurant and no one gives you dirty looks. 38. Books don't wear expensive covers from The Gap. 39. You can take a book on vacation with you without resorting (no pun intended) to going to Disney Land/World. 40. Books don't spit up on your shoulder. 41. Books rule, kids drool. 42. Books already contain all the world's recorded knowledge -- you don't have to pay to send them to school. 43. Books don't lose their lunch in your lap. 44. You don't have to pay a doctor to get your new book. 45. You can carry your book in your back pocket and it won't complain. 46. You can sit on a book and it won't squeal. 47. You can take a book to work and no one will complain. 48. Books don't try to run away from you when you put them down. 49. You can't switch from mystery babies to sci-fi babies to romance babies when you're looking for variety. 50. If you put a bookmark in a babies mouth it will either get spit out or chewed up. 51. Babies don't appreciate those itty bitty book lights shined on their faces. 52. You can't skip ahead and read the last chapter of a baby's life to see if you like how it turns out. 53. You can't skip through chapters of a baby's life to get to the good parts. 54. When books have a sequel, you're happy about it. 55. You can take a book to the dentist/doctor/optometrist, and it won't cost you anything. 56. You can buy a book in the supermarket (even as a blue light special!). 57. Books won't wreck your computer equipment, or spill milk and cookies on the keyboard (though *you* might!). 58. A book always rides for free on transit, no matter how old it is. 59. You can loan a book out to a friend, and not be really upset if it comes back a little beat up (sick, I know...). 60. Nobody wants to censor the 'net "for the good of the books". 61. Smokers can smoke around their books. 62. Books never tell you at 10 p.m. that there's a bake sale tomorrow and they promised they'd bring a Black Forest cake. 63. You never have to make a Halloween costume for your book. 64. Families never argue about what church the book will go to. 65. Books never outgrow their jackets. 66. You never get a call at work saying that your book just threw up at daycare and could you come take it home? 67. People don't keep asking you to coo over pictures of their books. 68. Books don't need expensive accessories. 69. There isn't one documented case of a book throwing a screaming tantrum on the floor in the middle of an aisle in a Wal-Mart. 70. You don't have to buy a minivan because you bought a book. 71. People don't go into gross detail describing how they acquired a book. 72. You can leave a book under the bed for months. 73. You can put a book on the shelf and it will stay there. 74. If you get mad at a book, you can throw it against the wall. 75. If you throw a book against a wall, it doesn't splatter. 76. Books don't bite your boobs. 77. You can squash bugs with a book. 78. Imagine if the government gave a $500.00 tax credit per book. 79. When you shut up a book, it stays shut. 80. You can't put a baby on a shelf when you're bored with it. 81. You *want* to take them into the bathroom with you! 82. When you don't want it anymore, you can give it away. 83. There's a place where you can try different books to see which ones you like. 84. Where's the fun in curling up with a roaring fire, a glass of wine (or a plate of chocolate) and a baby? 85. Books don't join Little League, Girl Scouts, or other parents'-time-consuming activities. 86. You can never have too many books. 87. Books don't burst in on you when you're doing the nasty.


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