- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know where sleep is." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
- My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn on the record, put the headphones on and learn Spanish in your sleep; during the night the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
- I bought a dog the other day, he_s really smart!...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...go figure
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use... Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
- Clones are people two.
- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
- So what's the speed of dark?
- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
- I just got skylights put in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
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