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1. This is all over my head. ~Robert Benchly

2. Involved in a plot. ~Dorothy Parker

3. Here lies Walter Winchel in the dirt he loved so well. ~Walter Winchel

4. This one's on me! ~Milton Berle

5. I had a hunch something like this would happen. ~Fontain Fox

6. On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. ~W. C. Feilds

7. Well, I've played everything but a harp. ~Lionel Barrymore

8. This is too deep for me. ~Don Herold

9. Here's something I want to get off my chest! ~William Haines

10. Dentist's epitaph in a Connecticut cemetery: "When on this tomb you gaze with gravity, Cheer up! I'm filling my last cavity."

11. Epitaph on the grave of a hypochondriac: "I told you I was sick!"

EPITAPHS IN OLD CHURCHYARDS: from the collection of Carl S. Cancy

12. Sacred to the Memory of Jared Bates Who died August the 6th, 1800. His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street, Has every qualification for a good wife, And yearns to be comforted.

13. In Memory of Mr.Peter Daniels Born August 7, 1688. Died May 20, 1746. Beneath this stone, a lump of clay, Lies Uncle Peter Daniels, Who too early in the month of May Took off his winter flannels.

14. "School is out and the teacher has gone home."

15. "He was a simple man who died of complications."

16. "Here lies Jonny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising."


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