The British have not lost their touch for hilarious slurs on their fellow Europeans...
Are you ready to join a Federal Europe? Try this simple quiz to determine just how European you really are...
1. Your wife has asked you to pop into Marks and Sparks to buy her a new bra, but when you get to the cash desk you notice there is a large queue. What do you do? a. Take your place in line and wait patiently to be served. b. Put the bra back on the shelf and return later when the queue is shorter. c. Barge directly to the front of the line and scream, "Ich leber stomph das bustenholten!"
2. You are driving around a roundabout when a car suddenly swerves in front of you causing you to brake sharply. How do you react? a. Drive on, perhaps tutting under your breath. b. Beep your horn at the offending motorist to let him know you're annoyed. c. Screech to a halt diagonally across the front of the other car, leap out and bang your fists repeatedly on his bonnet shouting, "Bastardo! Bastardo! Mamma Mia! Bastardo!"
3. You are walking along the pavement when a rather attractive looking woman (or man) passes by. Do you: a. Look away modestly, perhaps blushing slightly. b. Smile and maybe say, "Hello". c. Smear a tub of Brylcreem all over your head, pinch her bottom then proceed to follow her around for half an hour, together with twenty of your mates, all riding pathetic little scooters, making a variety of crude and suggestive remarks
4. You're busy at work when suddenly you realise it's 12 o'clock. What do you do? a. Have lunch, read the paper, then return to work 45 minutes later. b. Ignore the time and keep working until you've finished the task at hand. c. Sit down under a tree and go to sleep for six hours.
5. You're holidaying on a beach when you see a rather old and weary looking donkey giving rides to children. What would you do? a. Pay no attention. It's a fairly common sight. b. Pat the donkey on the head and offer it a lump of sugar. c. Goad it with a sharp stick, then get 50 of your friends to jump up and down on its back until it falls over and dies. Then go to sleep for six hours.
6. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you: a. Roll over and go back to sleep. b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit. c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking Gitane and drinking 48 litres of wine.
7. You arrive at work first thing in the morning. What is the first thing you do? a. Start the day's work straight away. b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper. c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years.
8. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly well kept. Which of the following would you do? a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass. b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his. c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him.
9. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Would you: a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youths off. b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police. c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives.
10. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate? Would you: a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends. b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football. c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old Fiat with six people on the roof, screaming Ole' ole' ole' ole' at the top of your voice waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night.
Clearly if you are a true European you would have answered C to all of the above.
This is what we really want in Europe: 1) Swiss salary. 2) Luxembourg taxes. 3) German car. 4) British home. 5) Spanish girls. 6) French wine. 7) Italian food. 8) Belgian beer. 9) Austrian mountains. 10) Danish administration.
And this is the EC's proposal for a Europe after EMU: 1) Portuguese salary. 2) Swedish taxes. 3) Spanish car. 4) Greek home. 5) East German girls. 6) German wine. 7) British food. 8) French beer. 9) Dutch mountains. 10) Italian administration.