Orchestra Personnel Standards

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CONDUCTOR Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

CONCERTMASTER Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks to God.

OBOIST Leaps short buildings with a running start. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if special request is approved.

TRUMPET PLAYER Barley clears a tent. Loses tug-of-war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

BASSOONIST Makes marks high on a wall when trying to clear short buildings. Is run over by locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog-Paddles. Talks to animals.

SECOND VIOLINIST Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two times out of three. Is not issued any ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls, argues with self.

MANAGER Falls over doorstep when trying to enter tall buildings. Says "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Loses arguments with self.

VIOLA PLAYER Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. Is God.

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C2OYZ_Orchestra Personnel Standards

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