Leaders of the Evangelical Laodicean Church in America last week announced the publication of a new hymnal. "This is truly a hymnal for the new century," said Presiding Bishop Luke W. Armm.
"This collection of hymns really captures the essence of our tradition," Bishop Armm explained. "At the core of our belief is the motto, 'Moderation in all things,' and that applies to our faith life as well. We just don't like to get carried away."
When asked if the new hymnal will help the Laodicean Church attract new members, Bishop Armm replied, "Yeah, sure. You Betcha! People in today's society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and dedication. They'd much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will. Our church seeks to pander--uh...I mean--meet that need. This hymnal will help with that, I think."
Editor in chief of the new hymnal, Priscilla ("Presh") S. Moment, explained some of the difficulty the committee had in choosing hymns. "Many of the old favorites just won't cut it among Laodiceans," said Moment. "We had to change a lot of the wording to make them fit with our style. We tried to incorporate some new songs into the book, but we had trouble finding Laodiceans interested in writing new music. Oh, well!"
The title of the new hymnal, Church Songs, was chosen very carefully, explained Moment. "We didn't want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands any more like 'Worship' or 'Hymn.'"
Here is a partial list of titles included in the new Laodicean hymnal:
I Surrender Some There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings Fill My Spoon, Lord Oh, How I like Jesus He's Quite a Bit to Me I Love to Talk about Telling the Story Take My Life and Let Me Be It Is My Secret What God Can Do There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today Onward, Christian Reservists Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following Just as I Pretend to Be When the Saints Go Sneaking in Sit Up, Sit up for Jesus A Comfy Mattress Is Our God Self-esteem to the World! The Lord Is Come Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound Go Tell it on the Speed Bump Special, Special, Special Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much O, God, Our Enabler in Ages past I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name! When Peace, like a Trickle I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives We Give Thee but Still Think We Own What an Acquaintence We Have in Jesus My Faith Looks Around for Thee Blessed Hunch Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness We Are Milling Around in the Light of God Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somwhere near Me Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee Just as I Am, with Lots of Excuses Be Thou My Hobby Spirit of God, Decend upon Their Hearts