The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plea?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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