For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire...
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!
My roomate got a pet elephant and lost it. It's in the room somewhere.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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