Jackass

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In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

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submitted: 1+ years ago

viewed: 798,779 times

categories: insults

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showing 1 - 30 of 30 discussions       sort by: newest

+1 thumb down thumb up
by Joel E. 1+ years ago

Lets see. Two people did one thing to him that he didn't like and he calls them an jacka**? Sounds like they aren't the ones with the biggest problem. In the rank of jacka** I think making two strangers fight in front of the police on the news is a good deal higher up than hanging up on you or cutting you off. At first I laughed and then I thought about that the true bad guy won in this joke, which isn't funny. If someone told on him and he got beat up and arrested too, now that would have been the perfect icing on the cake.

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by George G. 1+ years ago

I think there are more than just TWO assholes here.

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[below viewing threshold, show comment] -1 thumb down thumb up
by Michael J. 1+ years ago

Cool :D its so clever and funny :D

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[below viewing threshold, show comment] -1 thumb down thumb up
by Alex B. 1+ years ago

Thats hilarious!!! a gang war

Reply to Alex B.'s comment
[below viewing threshold, show comment] -1 thumb down thumb up
by Nikki L. 1+ years ago

Lol that was so funny! and so clever!

Reply to Nikki L.'s comment
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by victoria t. 1+ years ago

AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! funny, so very funny i wouldve luv to hav seen it (if it was real, that is)

Reply to victoria t.'s comment
+1 thumb down thumb up
by Betachief117 .. 1+ years ago

Hah!

Reply to Betachief117 ..'s comment
[below viewing threshold, show comment] -7 thumb down thumb up
by Kim B. 1+ years ago

Funny but not original. Have heard it several times before over many years.

Reply to Kim B.'s comment
[below viewing threshold, show comment] -3 thumb down thumb up
by ... .. 1+ years ago

just so evewryone is aware, this is not the real phone number. There is no phone number beinning with 555. Hollywood and books and such use it for that precise reason.

Show 2 replies to this comment

+2 thumb down thumb up
by Nick B. 1+ years ago

I read this on quizzilla with the real phone number

Show 1 replies to this comment

+3 thumb down thumb up
by Glenna P. 1+ years ago

LAMO I couldnt stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to Glenna P.'s comment
+3 thumb down thumb up
by Danielle S. 1+ years ago

Absolutely hilarious!

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[below viewing threshold, show comment] -12 thumb down thumb up
by Aimee K. 1+ years ago

That is really immature you should grow up

Show 1 replies to this comment

+4 thumb down thumb up
by Brittany C. 1+ years ago

Dude, that's funny! How did you come up with doing this?

Reply to Brittany C.'s comment
+5 thumb down thumb up
by dante d. 1+ years ago

omfg i can die happy now

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[below viewing threshold, show comment] -4 thumb down thumb up
by Chrissy g. 1+ years ago

the numbers not real. all 555 numbers are fake.

Show 1 replies to this comment

+4 thumb down thumb up
by Haley F. 1+ years ago

by far the funniest story i have ever heard. is that number real??? i could use it sometime. lol

Reply to Haley F.'s comment
+3 thumb down thumb up
by nick g. 1+ years ago

OMG that is awesome :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Reply to nick g.'s comment
+3 thumb down thumb up
by Paul Z. 1+ years ago

SO FUNNY!!!

Reply to Paul Z.'s comment
+5 thumb down thumb up
by Arrow D. 1+ years ago

I remember this one from way back when...but it's still hilarious!

Reply to Arrow D.'s comment
+3 thumb down thumb up
by Yaz K. 1+ years ago

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! soooo funny!!!!! it is the best!!! just womdering what country the numer is in so i can ring it...

Show 1 replies to this comment

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by Amiee n. 1+ years ago

i dnt get it =[

Show 1 replies to this comment

+4 thumb down thumb up
by Destiny Ann d. 1+ years ago

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love this! 10/10

Reply to Destiny Ann d.'s comment
+4 thumb down thumb up
by Nogard T. 1+ years ago

If this happened where's the tape! ROFL this was one of the most funniest things i read

Reply to Nogard T.'s comment
+3 thumb down thumb up
by Chantal F. 1+ years ago

That is SO funny!

Reply to Chantal F.'s comment
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by meghann a. 1+ years ago

haha! funny! you should have like your own personal reserved parking space at the mall... it should also have a warning with this on it saying if you park here, this will happen to you. XD

Reply to meghann a.'s comment
+3 thumb down thumb up
by zach m. 1+ years ago

if this is true then i swear i will never take your parking space... but this is really funny.

Reply to zach m.'s comment
+1 thumb down thumb up
by Zaka V. 1+ years ago

Funny................

Reply to Zaka V.'s comment
+5 thumb down thumb up
by Jack A. 1+ years ago

Genius

Reply to Jack A.'s comment
+4 thumb down thumb up
by ashlee h. 1+ years ago

this has to be fake but its so funny lol

Show 1 replies to this comment

C1CHV_Jackass

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