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Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. - Anonymous

Never accept a drink from a urologist. - Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. - Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

Never say "Oops" in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. -Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. - Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh cow dropping on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. - Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. - Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. - G.K.Chesterton

Never use while sleeping. - Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" - Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. - Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. - Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. - John Peers

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. - Ruth Gordon

Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. - American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.

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