ODE TO A POTTY BREAK by John Clogger
I sit so quietly in class Until I feel this pain of gas Which stabs intestines large and small: "I hope that there's an empty stall!"
Or I can be in bed at nine And dreaming of a girl so fine When I awake! A siren wails From in my gut and my entrails!
In either case I must agree I always have to shit and pee! But why? For now I'll contemplate.... ....And urinate and defecate!
If I can just ignore the smell, I'll try my best to do them well. Now to avoid those accidents, Pull down your pants, you gals and gents.
Unsnap the top, unzip the fly, And let them fall down past your thigh, And plant your butt cheeks on the seat, And--Oh my God! My heart is weak!
This seat's an iceberg, minus ten! As cold as liquid nitrogen! This morning cold is just the worst, But at least I get to use it first!
And now here comes the easy part: You must fire off a warning fart To let them know the bombs will fall-- Forget about the other stall!
Let Nature do the rest; sit back And let the shit fall out your crack! It's fecal matter--hey, goodbye! Exit out my bottom eye!
And while I'm here, I might as well Excrete my urine, what the hell! It takes one minute for a piss, But just be sure that you don't miss!
Don't hit the walls or hit the doors. The janitors hate yellow floors. Now get your strength back; you'll be strong. When all that stress and strain is gone,
You'll have to wipe your fundament And clean the excess excrement! Just use that roll of mini towels, Protects your hands and cleans your bowels....
Unless the stuff's just too damn soft And rips so easily enough That fingers go right straight on through, Then my poor hand gets smeared with doo!
I want some stuff that's strong and fair, That lets me know that it was there A couple hours after use, So nothing gets left hanging loose.
Yes, toilet paper--that's the stuff! And damn, I hope I've got enough For one wipes, two wipes, three wipes, four! Five wipes, six wipes, seven, more!
Now push the handle; it goes down Into the sewer underground To give the sewer rats a treat. It's good enough for them to eat!
Or it will help the grass to rise, But now, I must zip up my fly, Do up my pants, connect my belt. I must admit, I haven't felt This good since this time yesterday! My shitting then went A-OK!
Now some clean people wash their hands. But me? Hell no! I'll take the chance! I must rush off to get some lunch, Some finger food that I can munch!
Oh crap! My ode is almost done. The time sure flies when you have fun. I hope you loved my words so true About a thing we all must do.
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categories: word fun (puns, riddles)